Identity

It is finally time for me to get this question off my chest.  It’s going to be controversial.  It shouldn’t be because it is a sincere question that I have.  In today’s society questions like this seem to be controversial though.  And sadly, people may not read past the question before they decide to make a judgement about my intent or character.  But if you think you can be open minded to my viewpoint keep reading.

For years now I have wondered – when did our identity and accomplishments become tied simply to our race or gender or sexuality?  You know what I’m talking about.  I heard many people telling me they were voting for Hillary Clinton for president based solely on the fact that she was a woman.  I still don’t know anything about Pete Buttigieg’s politics but I do know he is gay. 

I understand I was raised differently than many people.  My father was born in 1914.   He was in his 50’s when I was born.  A man from that generation would be assumed to have wanted sons.   My father only wanted daughters.  My mother used to joke that he told her she better have a girl when she was pregnant with me.  He had a daughter from his first marriage as well.  One other tidbit.  I was the end of our direct family name.  This should really tell you what a special man he was to want a daughter.

My father always made me believe I could do and be anything I wanted.  Except one time.  When I was a young girl, I announced I would be attending Texas A&M University.  To this day we have no idea where I even heard of Texas A&M.  My father had made a quick visit to College Station, TX in the 1930’s to pick up a friend of his who had been a student.  They were off to make their fortune somewhere else – but that is a different story.  My father looked at me with sadness as he was about to break my heart and said,” Honey, you can’t go to school there.  It’s a boys only school.”  I firmly told him I would be attending.  He had a business associate who had gone to A&M and had a large aerial picture of the campus in his office.  My father went to visit him.  This kind man informed my dad that women had been a common fixture on campus for many years.  So what did my dad do?  He asked if he could borrow that aerial photo for a while.  He brought it home and put in our living room so I could be inspired for a period of time by looking at my future college daily.

My father worked in the metal building industry.  Talk about a male centered chauvinistic industry.   At one time one of his clients actually proposed trying to get me to marry his son because he wanted my dad’s business.  My father’s greatest wish was for me to take over his business.  I always felt bad that I had zero interest in.  My passion was somewhere else.  And he supported that choice.

Don’t think my father was alone in this.  My mother may have been labelled a housewife but she was so much more than that.  She was my father’s partner in every way.  They would tell me stories about the early years of their marriage and how he would come home and create new paints.  He would use my mother’s blender and kitchen tools and I know she was by his side while he did it.  When he opened his business, he didn’t do it alone.  She was his partner and even kept it going making big sales when he was out for a period of time due to a medical issue.  She also had her own business while I was growing up.  She was a porcelain artist and often had classes going on.  She used to tell me that if things had been different she would have wanted to be a veterinarian.  Maybe that’s how I ended up being one.  She should have been a professional interior decorator.   Her skills with and passion in that area were never utilized to their full potential.  As a child, as an adolescent, and as an adult I always saw the most important man in my life supporting his wife and daughter and all of their dreams as though the world was our oyster.  Well done on choosing a husband and father material, Mother!

 I guess being raised that way helped me to believe that I should be judged on my talents, on my abilities, on my character and on my integrity.  I never once thought that my gender, ethnicity, or who I chose to love made my accomplishments more or less important.  Please understand I have experienced gender bias in life.  One of my early jobs was in a clinic owned by men.  I spent my time building the area of the practice that should be the most profitable part.  It definitely became that with me.  They hired a young, newer male graduate after I had been there a while.  They paid him a higher salary because he was a young married man wanting to start a family.  I was also wanting to start a family and I was the breadwinner in my marriage at that time but I was not a man.  Their wives were stay at home mothers and wives.  They would prepare fabulous lunches for their husbands.  They would make comments about my pitiful lunch and I would remind them I did not have a wife at home to make my lunch, I was the wife. 

I own a successful business now.  My profession has been overtaken with women.  Even today when I attend seminars and various events if my male practice manager or my husband is with me some reps will completely ignore me.  They do not receive my business afterwards. 

I guess what I am trying to point out is that I know discrimination is real.  I am so very grateful for the women who paved the way for me.  I can own property, I can vote, I can be a veterinarian.  If more people were raised as I was or if more people felt like I do maybe we would all start to see people for who they are and not what genetics say they are. 

I was somewhat obsessed with the story of Amelia Earhart as a child.  I’m sure I was probably more interested in her unsolved disappearance than anything.  Aside from that she is known for being the first woman to fly across the Atlantic solo.  Had she been a man no one would have known anything about her.  In reality she was the second person to fly nonstop solo across the Atlantic.  Something tells me it probably always annoyed her a little bit that she didn’t do it first.

How many people know who the first “person of color” to hold the office of Vice President of the United States was?  Clue – it is not Kamala Harris.  It was Charles Curtis, vice president to Herbert Hoover.

There are things I cannot do as a woman.  There are also things men can’t do that I can.  I don’t want my achievements to be qualified by my gender.  The first person to receive the COVID vaccine in the U.S. was a woman but that did not seem to matter to anyone in the press.  I want to see Becky Hammond appointed as the next head coach of the San Antonio Spurs not because she is a woman but because she is the best person for the job. (Don’t hate on me – I love Tim!)

I struggle in today’s world.  I do still possess old fashioned sentiments.  I enjoy being a woman.  I love that my husband is a gentleman and opens the door for me.  I thank him for dinner when we go out and he pays even though it comes from the same combined pot of finances.  But I genuinely do not see gender or ethnicity or sexuality when I am trying to hire people or to be friends with someone or do business with someone or vote for someone.  Why is it so hard for our society to be like this?  I understand why Affirmative Action was necessary but did it actually set us back on fixing the issue?  Were people now being chosen not because they were the best for the position but because of the discriminated class they belonged to?  Did this actually create more discrimination?  Was there any other way to stop the discrimination?  I guess there just were not enough people that could stand together and refuse to accept the behavior.  But I believe today there is.  How do we become a society that raises its children to be inclusive?  I think we have to start by celebrating our differences and congratulating each other on our achievements without so many qualifiers for those achievements. 

I know there is no surefire answer to my question.  There is no vaccine for this.  I just find myself wishing as so many of us do that we could stop the hate and find a way to accept each other again.  As Jerry Seinfeld says, “Look to the cookie.”  If chocolate and vanilla icing can get along on a black and white cookie why can’t we?  It is past  time to look only at the person. If it matters to you I am a white heterosexual woman. I was born with less melanin in my skin than others. I was born with two x chromosomes and female anatomy. I had no choice in those things and have tried not to let them define or limit me. If that is how you see me then you are seeing truth. I see a wife, a mother, a businesswoman, a veterinarian, a dog mom, a frustrated chef, a hiker, a wine drinker, and the list goes on. Those are the things that will help me to make an impact on this world and hopefully I will be remembered for. As we try to return to some sort of normalcy in human interaction I hope we can all look at those things in the people we meet and not the demographic statistic that we represent.

Thank you for reading my rambling.