If This Was the Last Time
If this was the last time
On my way to work the other day If this is the Last Time by Lany came on the radio. It wasn’t the first time I had heard it but on this particular morning it hit me pretty hard. Maybe because I have been so worried about my mother getting COVID and anxiously waiting for her turn to get the vaccine. Maybe I just listened to the lyrics a little closer that day, or maybe I was just feeling sentimental. No matter the cause I found myself crying on my journey and thinking of so many lasts – some that have occurred already and some yet to be and found myself pondering how to use that moment to value every moment more and to stop taking things for granted.
I started thinking about my father. He died in 1999. I’ve thought a lot about him recently. The song made me realize I can’t remember the last time he truly knew me. I have many memories. Does it matter that I don’t remember the last time we went somewhere fun together? Or the last time we had a serious conversation with each other? Or the last time he sent me a letter, or cut out a cartoon from the newspaper to give to me? Is the fact that it was the last time any more important than the culmination of all the memories?
When my children were little I knew one day they would no longer want me to tuck them into bed and read them bedtime stories. I dreaded that day. I tried to value every bedtime story. But did I? If I had known which story was the last would I have taken a little longer to read it? Would I have chosen something more meaningful or funnier? How did it happen? Did life just evolve and my babies grew and life took its natural course so it wasn’t even noticed?
For most college students their last day at school is one filled with many emotions. Usually there is one building that each individual spends most of their time in. Many students will be sentimental as they walk through those halls for the last time as a student. The memory of the friendships they made, the struggle to pass classes, the combined fear and excitement of what lies ahead of them now is so palpable on that day. Last year I saw many students robbed of that day as the pandemic gave them a surprise when they were told they would be completing their college careers online. My own daughter graduated in December. One day in the fall she found herself on campus in the building that had been the home of her major. She texted me that was she was so sad that she did not know that a day in early March was to be her last day to have class there. She didn’t get her goodbye. Would she have taken it if she had known?
Just to take things a little deeper what about the last time you did something for the first time? Those are easier. When was your last first kiss? Mine is a favorite memory with my husband. Do you remember your last first day of school? Did you know that first day on your new job would be your last first day because it worked out so well? Those lasts are also important and sentimental.
That’s the thing about life. We have no way of knowing when the last time will be. It’s a beautiful plan our creator put together. But as usual we humans manage not to appreciate what we have. As such we frequently fail to appreciate the small moments, the everyday moments. Life is so busy it’s easy to do. I start the week on Monday and before I know it another Monday has arrived. What did I do last week? How did it zoom by so fast? What did I make for dinner two nights ago?
In the end it is the everyday small moments that we miss most when they are gone. I don’t want to introduce worry in my life and questions if this is the last time. I want to find ways to have more of those moments and to treasure each one. So if it is the last time and I don’t remember or realize it was then it will be one of many times that will make me smile and remind me of how fortunate I was to have time with that person or in that place.