Choosing Happiness
Do you know how hard it is to love someone who doesn’t love themselves? Before I get started – No, this is not about my husband, or my marriage, or anything personal. It is just me having a moment of musing and thinking maybe someone, somewhere needs to read this right now.
So many of us struggle with not loving ourselves, not loving who we are as a person. I think many of us grew up thinking about the arrogant individual who is described as loving himself too much and making sure everyone knows what a big deal he is. The reality is many of those people are in the same boat. They just choose to act their way through a false façade and hide their true selves from the world. But of course, some really are just arrogant.
I grew up with Farrah Fawcett, Sports illustrated, Playboy girls, and Victoria Secret models being what every woman should strive to look like. Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty and Dolly Parton and Oprah Winfrey showed me that I could be happy with a prince and a fairytale wedding and aspire to have a career. Somewhere along the way I forgot how demure Cinderella and Aurora were and thought I could have the steel will of Oprah and my adoring prince who just love me for me all while having the figure of Barbie. That wouldn’t be too hard to attain, right? And when I made all of that happen my life would be perfect and happy ever after. That’s all it would take to be happy.
But here is the truth. We were made to be loved. We were made to understand our worth. Think about the sheer miracle of your existence. The perfect two people had to meet. Then they had to decide to spend some intimate time together. This time had to occur at the right time of the month with the perfect biological pieces in place and the two pieces of genetic material that met had to be just right. And then your mother’s body didn’t reject you. You are a marvel. You were indeed fearfully and wonderfully made.
So why do so many of us forget that? There is the obvious reason of the constant bombardment of ads and social media that constantly remind us that we will never be enough unless we attain physical perfection. Then there is the reminder of all the things we need for happiness. We quickly forget that we are beautifully made and we are here for a purpose and most importantly no one and nothing can make us happy- it is a choice we must make over and over and over again.
It is easy for two people who have low self esteem to find themselves in a relationship with each other. That relationship may be romantic, it may be friendship, it may be family – parent and child or siblings. You love this person and will do anything for them. Your greatest desire is to make this individual happy. No matter how hard you work to do so the object of your affection still can’t seem to love himself. He continues to be self-deprecating. You start realize that your compliments have no value. Maybe you start to feel that you should not accept a compliment either. Instead of saying thank you when she tells you how nice you look you respond with, “I wish but I need to lose ten pounds.” You are excited to see your friend’s new car. Your friend quickly says it is no big deal and what he really wanted was a new top of the line high model truck but this one will do. No joy seems to be there and no matter how excited you are about the new car it is still not good enough. And all this time you start to feel you should not be excited about things or too happy around this individual because it will seem arrogant or disrespectful to how they are feeling. And before you know it you have been drawn in to this self- deprecating cycle as well.
I spent a lot of time trying to improve my relationship with myself. It is hard. Most of us have spent years digging ourselves into a hole of low self esteem and feeling we are still searching for the thing that will make us happy. And if you are like me, you want those around you to feel good about themselves and to be happy and you will do anything you can to make that happen.
Here is the thing you must hear – NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY; YOU CAN NOT MAKE ANYONE ELSE HAPPY. Sure, you can bring moments of happiness to someone but it is not sustainable unless they choose happiness and decide to make it part of their daily existence. And the reverse is also true.
I don’t think anyone would argue that negativity is contagious. It is so draining. One negative person can take a workplace and turn a great atmosphere into one that makes everyone dread going to work. The truth is positivity is also contagious. It is like the COVID virus though.
Negativity is like the Delta variant of COVID. Delta caused twice as many infections as previous strains. It didn’t care if you were vaccinated or not. And it caused much more severe illness. It spread like wildfire.
Positivity is a little more like Omicron. It is contagious but nowhere near as virulent.
Why do the two differ so much? It seems easy to remember negative things about ourselves. We remember the test we failed, the job we didn’t get. Why don’t we celebrate and hold to the memories of the trophy we won or the person we helped the most? Maybe because we are always striving to do better and it is easier to set ourselves up for failure than success. Maybe we don’t want to raise the bar too high by focusing on our successes.
When I was trying to change my behavior and outlook on life I was in a very depressive state. I knew things needed to change. I found this quote from Groucho Marx:
I read it and then I read it again and again and again. I understood it and I began to believe it. The only thing holding me back from happiness was me. What a concept. I would start each day with that quote. And as I began to struggle throughout the day, I would read it again. Some days it was read A LOT. I started adding other quotes and Bible verses but, in the end, it was always this that I came back to:
I have the power to make me happy. And today deserves that happiness. And as that sentiment took hold I began to believe I was worthy. Before long I realized I liked myself and could even be ok loving myself.
I tried to surround myself with happy people. I tried to remove negativity from my life. That really isn’t possible. I tried to help others find the happiness I had found while understanding they had to choose to make it a habit just as I had.
We all have events in our lives that will lead to unhappiness at times. We will lose loved ones. We will lose our jobs. We may have financial worries. But if you can learn to be happy in your soul you will find even those times are better. You will remember the happiness you had with your loved one. And while you may be torn in two by their loss you will be able to hold to the blessing of the time you had together and move forward knowing that is what they would want for you. You will feel happiness as the sun shines on you and the flowers bloom around you because you can see and smell and feel those things even as you do not know how you will afford a car.
If you find yourself yoked to someone who cannot make this choice you have two options.:
- Stay in this relationship and try to protect your mental health. Do not get dragged into the negative state that leads to depression.
- Recognize you may need to distance yourself. You may still be in a relationship but maybe you and your best friend spend less time together. Maybe you shouldn’t marry this individual.
Recognize that no matter how hard you try we are all responsible for own happiness. Do not let someone else’s lack of happiness infect you.
Do not spend too much time with people who you must apologize to for your success or who make jokes to bring you down. This is how they feel better about themselves. You DESERVE happiness. You are a miracle and you have one life to live. Make it a good one. Choose happiness every day. Shut out the noise and look for those small things that remind you.
“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”
