Is there a stigma to grieving a pet? One might say that because of my profession I am out of touch with what society considers acceptable grieving time for a pet. But I see extremes. I see the owners who say it was just a dog and I see the family who recognizes the pet as a child. I also see more than that.
I had one client that the first time I met her and her new puppy her husband was waiting outside in the truck. He had bought her this puppy to keep her company because they had learned he didn’t have long to live. He had recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. When it was time to euthanize that dog 10 years later this was more than just a dog – she had been a connection to her lost husband. What about the couple that asked me as I euthanized their dog why God had taken their son. They had taken in his dog after his death and this euthanasia seemed almost as if they were losing their son all over again. So do I believe pets deserve our grief? I would say yes.
I recently lost my dog of 13 years. Two years prior I had lost a dog that I thought would be the hardest for me to get over. I had never experienced such intense grief at the loss of a pet and it took me a long time to move on. I have grieved pets but for some reason I was especially struggling when he died. When I lost my Labrador Retriever October 16 it devastated me. She was my constant companion. She knew how to always be present without being obtrusive. So many times I didn’t really notice her presence but her absence was like a huge hole in my soul. Am I married? Yes. Do I have children? Yes. Do I have other pets? Yes. So why was this so hard? Freya had been a part of my life for 13 years. She was there as my children grew up, as I married, as I moved my business, as I lost another dog. And as far as I was concerned she was going to be there for many more events. Until she wasn’t. Until the cancer was found that grew and took her in two weeks time and nothing I could do would stop it. And suddenly my faithful friend who tried to please me until the end had to be relieved of her suffering. And nothing felt right in my life.
The day I that I euthanized Freya I also learned my 16 year old cat was in kidney failure. So two weeks later I said goodbye to her. What a life she had. The stories I have of her will take up a whole post so I will save them for another day.
Believing things come in threes I then investigated two of my other older pets only to learn that my 14 ½ year old Chihuahua is dying soon with a heart based tumor wrapped around her aorta. Combine this with my own health issues and you can imagine I might be a little depressed. I had been looking at dogs but I didn’t want a new dog. I wanted Freya back. And while I understood that wasn’t possible I couldn’t shake the emptiness I was feeling. I would randomly break into tears.
I didn’t want to get any more pets because I didn’t want to set myself up for this pain again. After all I know it is coming. I thought about starting a pet loss support group. I may still do that. I have recently found myself with a puppy. Can she become an emotional support animal for me? I don’t know. I do know she is making me be more active and that is good for me. Do I still miss Freya? Yes. How long will this ache be in my heart? I wish I knew. What I do know is that I did not get a puppy to replace her. I got a puppy to be there when I lose Sugar so my young dog will not be alone. I got her to distract me from the pain (both physical from my medical issues and emotional) but she most definitely did not replace my lost pets any more than a new baby would replace a lost child.
Society needs to understand that this grief is very real and offer support to those hurting from the loss of a pet. And for those who are suffering, please know you are not alone. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to feel. There is no time limit to your grief. And if you cannot get past it alone please get some help. And should you find yourself willing to love another pet knowing the pain that will eventually be there from another loss, remember the old saying “it is better to love and have lost than to never have loved at all.” I’m not ready to face the pain again but each time I do it will be cushioned with memories of all the love we shared.
